Mike: “I understand this new Dungeons & Dragons comic is actually supposed to be pretty good.”
Employee Aaron: “Yeah, it really was.”
M: “So are there any gelatinous cubes?”
EA: “Sorry, Mike, but no.”
M: “How ’bout displacer beasts? At least one?”
EA: “Not one.”
M: “Okay, fine…mind flayers?”
EA: “No.”
M: “Beholders. There has to be a Beholder in this comic.”
EA: “There sure isn’t.”
M: “This is a Dungeons & Dragons comic, right?”
EA: “Right.”
M: “Just checking. Is there any point where a character has to save vs. petrification?”
EA: “What? No, of course not.”
M: “Are there any instances of a gnome using his infravision?”
EA: “None noted.”
M: “Are there any bards?”
EA: “Are there ever any bards?”
M: “Point taken. …Does anyone detect traps?”
EA: “Nope.”
M: “Does a magic user gather material components in order to cast Magic Mouth?”
EA: “Not that I noticed.”
M: “Does a thief manage to do quadruple damage on anyone using a sneak backstab attack?”
EA: “Not once, no.”
M: “Does anyone, at any time, use a ten foot pole?”
EA: “No.”
M: “Are there any morale checks made to see if a character’s followers desert or not?”
EA: “…What?”
M: “Are any limbs severed as the result of rolling a natural 20 during a sword attack?”
EA: “How would that even work in a comic?”
M: “So does a character tell another character ‘I do not want to be in an adventuring party with you, as I am Lawful Good, and you are Neutral Evil?'”
EA: “That’s not something that happens, no.”
M: “Does anyone put on a cursed ring and suddenly exclaim ‘oh no, I have suffered an irreversible loss of three points of Constitution?'”
EA: “I can safely say this didn’t happen.”
M: “Is there any kind of kobold attack?”
EA: “No….”
M: “Does anyone shout to his comrades ‘this creature can only use his ranged attack once every five rounds — let’s go!’ at any time during a battle?”
EA: “No.”
M: “Does any character have his or her soul cast into The Void as a result of drawing from a Deck of Many Things?”
EA: “Uh-uh.”
M: “This is going nowhere. Let’s go back to the basics. …Is there a dungeon in this comic?”
EA: “Yes!”
M: “Now we’re onto something. Is there a dragon?”
EA: “Well, not exactly.”
M: “Oh, so there’s, like, a wyvern.”
EA: “No, no…there’s a dragonkin in the story. Well, maybe, he kind of looks like one…sorta dragony.”
M: “A dragonkin. What’s that?”
EA: “A half-human/half-dragon. You can play as one in D&D.”
M: “No, I’m sorry, no player-character monsters in my campaign.”
EA: “Now, Mike, a couple of these things you’re asking about were in the #0 issue.”
M: “I’m going to need all of these things in every issue.”